I love having things in my calendar to look forward to. Concerts and dinners with friends: all of it helps me feel connected and offers glimmers amid the everyday. This fall I have continued to schedule these, and other activities have started demanding my time and attention, as they do every year. Our weekends are no exception. Recently, we had back-to-back kids’ soccer games to attend (they actually overlapped, making things impossible), theatre tickets, family therapy, new weekend classes, and a dear family friend who was staying with us. At one point, when we were rushing from one activity to another, late (as usual), my friend looked over at me and caught my grimace. With eyebrows raised, she asked how I was doing, and I replied, “Great, we are doing great,” and I know she didn’t miss the sarcasm.
When Sunday evening rolled around, I received a follow-up text from a beloved friend, asking again if I wanted to go to a concert later that week. I wanted to say yes, because I love my friend and love his company. And I really enjoy live events. The shared experience feels spiritual to me, and the connection with strangers is something I truly value. But I was finally sitting down, catching up with myself, taking a breath. Looking at the week ahead, I saw the responsibilities and the get-tos, and the rest I knew I badly needed. So I kindly declined, letting my friend know that I so appreciated him thinking of me, and that I needed to sit this one out. It wasn’t easy to say no. An invite like this feels like an honor, and I never want to let a friend down. But as I considered how I would feel leading up to the concert, and the morning after, when I would undoubtedly be run down, it became easier to honor my need for some ease and slowness.
What changed between the grimace and the no was that I stopped. I sat down long enough to notice how much I actually had left. Many of us were never taught to do this, and we tend to find our limits only after we’ve passed them. This article walks through how to check in with your capacity and take a seasonal inventory, then how to set one small boundary that can hold through the holidays.
What Does It Mean to Check Your Capacity?: Understanding Your Window of Tolerance
Before we can decide what to carry, it helps to know how much we can carry well. In a busy stretch, we can find ourselves running on autopilot, potentially not noticing when we are working against ourselves. The psychiatrist Dan Siegel described the emotional zone where we feel like we can effectively manage life’s ups and downs, and called this “the window of tolerance.” When we are within our window of tolerance, we are engaged, not overwhelmed and not numbed out. We are able to stay connected and to self-regulate, while having the breathing room to think clearly and make purposeful decisions. We will still be confronted with stress and challenges, but inside the window we can stay flexible in the face of adversity. Outside of it, we are at risk for being more irritable and anxious, or withdrawn and disconnected.
Our window of tolerance, or how much we can manage and manage well, can be impacted by a busy season or by so many other life transitions, such as a new job or a loss. You may be functioning outside of your capacity if you’re more irritable than usual, snapping at people you love, lying awake running through tomorrow’s to-do list, or forgetting things you’d normally remember. Maybe you feel a low hum of dread when you open your calendar. These signals are information about your capacity, and they say nothing about your character.
Irritability in particular may have a biological explanation. In a well-known brain imaging study, healthy adults who stayed awake for about 35 hours showed roughly 60 percent more activity in the amygdala, the brain’s threat detector, in response to upsetting images than people who had slept normally. The connection between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex, which helps put emotions in context, was also weaker. That study looked at total sleep loss, but it shows what happens when a depleted system has less of a buffer. Things that wouldn’t normally bother you start to feel like a lot.
When we’re stressed, the body’s fight-or-flight response kicks in. It’s the part of your nervous system that gets activated as if you’re being chased by a tiger. That’s useful when there’s real danger (or a real tiger!). It’s a lot less helpful when the “emergency” is a full calendar and a to-do list that never shrinks. The stress response itself isn’t the problem. Stress researcher Bruce McEwen described how the systems that protect us in the short run can wear on the body over time when they stay switched on too long or too often, a concept known as allostatic load. In other words, the trouble comes when the stress response never gets a chance to come back down.
Being overextended has its own kind of stress. Researchers who studied chronic time pressure, or the sense that you do not have enough time, found that it is associated with symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress. What stood out was that feeling harried carried the link more consistently than simply recognizing that time was short.
What does this mean for us? When we are biting off more than we can chew and feeling overwhelmed because of it, it takes a toll on our mental and physical health. This seems like a given, but we aren’t always conscious of it or of the impact it’s having on us. Noticing that we’re outside our window of tolerance and feeling harried is the first step. Understanding why we keep having this experience, especially this time of year, is the next.
Why Is It So Hard to Slow Down in the Fall?
As we move through fall and into the winter, life has a tendency to pick up. This is true for those with kids, as the start of school also means more demands on our time, from after-school extracurriculars to helping kids cram for tests. And those without children often feel the change, too. Even without kids in school, after 12+ years of associating fall with the start of a new year, and with the holidays right around the corner, there’s a tendency to get moving and create a busy snowball that seems unstoppable. Researchers who study what they call the fresh start effect found that Google searches for dieting and gym visits both increased after time markers like the start of a new week, month, or semester, or a birthday, and the same was true of commitments to personal goals. And that’s before we add the shifts we make toward plans with friends or family and the push to feel productive.
Beyond all of the external requests and responsibilities, we may also feel compelled to stay busy to seem valuable. I remember being in college and worrying about how I would be perceived if I didn’t have plans already scheduled for the weekend, and how this would reflect on me. This looks different as we age, but the foundation is the same: being busy means we are valuable. Researchers have suggested that in the United States, a busy and overworked lifestyle, rather than a leisurely one, has become a status symbol, and it makes sense that this would prompt us to say yes without stopping to ask whether we have the capacity. Our article on why self-care is so hard for high achievers speaks to this, too, naming how we stay busy to signal our competence and worth.
If busyness has become a measure of our worth, rest can start to feel like falling behind. But rest may matter more than we give it credit for. A meta-analysis of 86 publications and more than 38,000 employees found that people who felt more mentally detached from work during their time off tended to report less exhaustion and better sleep. A year-long study of 309 human service workers pointed the same way: those who mentally detached during time off reported less emotional exhaustion later, and detaching also buffered the effects of high job demands on physical complaints and work engagement.
These findings come from studies of work stress and are observational, so they can’t tell us that detaching causes better health, but they do suggest that the ability to step away is worth protecting. The more encouraging news is that this is something we can build. A later meta-analysis of programs designed to help people detach from work found a small to moderate average improvement, with longer, more intensive programs working better than brief ones.
Of course, when we treat rest as something that has to be earned, which feels like a social norm here in Los Angeles, it becomes challenging to rest when we need to, whether or not we’ve worked hard that day. Sometimes we don’t know that we need rest, or we don’t know what we need at all, until we take a moment to notice how we are feeling. That pause is what takes us off autopilot and puts us back in the driver’s seat. A seasonal inventory is one way to take it on purpose.
What Is a Seasonal Inventory, and How Do You Do One?
A seasonal inventory is an opportunity to take stock of what is currently taking up your time and energy. As we move into this new season, we may reflexively take on more commitments and work to meet others’ expectations without ever stopping to ask if this makes sense for our lives. Fall can be the perfect time to sit down and ask yourself some important questions about what you want to focus on and what you can let go of. What gives me energy right now? What drains it? What am I doing out of habit, or because I’ve always done it, rather than because it still fits? Is there something I said yes to last year that I want to say no to today?
It may be helpful to make a list of categories: “Must-Do Priorities,” “Things to Delegate,” and “Later Things.” This can lighten your mental load by giving yourself permission to assign and set aside the latter two and focus on what you’ve deemed a priority. Letting go of what isn’t important right now can give you the energy and bandwidth to focus on what matters most. That way, you can give those things the time and attention they deserve rather than spreading yourself too thin.
There’s research on why getting things out of your head and onto a list can feel like such a relief. Unfinished tasks tend to keep running in the background of our minds. In a series of studies, people with unfinished goals on their minds had more intrusive thoughts and sometimes did worse on unrelated tasks. But when they made a specific plan for those goals, spelling out when, where, and how, those effects went away, even though they hadn’t done the tasks yet. For your list, that means it may help to jot a rough time next to each “Later” item, like “revisit in January.” The plan gives your mind permission to let go of it for now.
The benefit of doing this regularly is that you get ahead of things instead of reacting to every new request. When you check in with your capacity often, you’re more likely to notice overwhelm early and adjust before you hit a wall. The goal is to be intentional about where your time and energy go, which has little to do with emptying your schedule or becoming more productive.
What Are Healthy Boundaries, and How Do You Set Them?
If a seasonal inventory shows you what you’re carrying, boundaries are how you decide what you’ll keep carrying. Boundaries are the limits we set around our time, energy, emotions, and space so that we can show up for our lives without losing ourselves. They create space for you, and they don’t have to shut anyone out. A boundary can look like saying, “This is what I can offer right now, and this is what I need.” After reflecting honestly and creating your list, boundaries are what make that list real. They help the “later” items stay later, and they protect the space you just cleared.
What Can You Say to Set a Boundary?
Boundaries tend to work best when they’re clear and calm. Start with what your inventory told you about what you have capacity for, then say it plainly without over-explaining or apologizing for having a limit. Something like, “I can’t take that on right now, but thank you for thinking of me,” is often enough. With the holidays coming, it might sound like, “We’d love to come for dinner, but we won’t be able to stay overnight this year.” That’s a clear answer that stays warm without over-explaining. My own message to my friend about the concert worked the same way: I let him know I appreciated him thinking of me and that I needed to sit this one out. You can be warm and firm at the same time.
What If Someone Pushes Back?
It also helps to decide ahead of time what you’ll do if the boundary gets tested. Psychologists call this an if-then plan, something like, “If they push back on us not staying overnight, then I’ll say we’d love to see them for dinner and leave it there.” A meta-analysis of 94 tests found that planning this way had a medium-to-large effect on follow-through, partly because it helps shield your goals from unwanted influences in the moment. That research looked at goals in general rather than boundaries specifically, but it fits. Deciding in a calm moment is much easier than negotiating when you’re tired or feeling pressured to answer, because by then you already know what you’re going to say.
How Do You Say No During the Holidays Without Guilt?
If saying no feels uncomfortable, or even scary, especially around the holidays, you’re not alone. For many of us, the pull to say yes comes from years of learning that being agreeable keeps us safe and connected, and the holidays can turn that pull up even higher. An American Psychological Association poll found that 89 percent of U.S. adults said something about the holiday season causes them stress, and about 41 percent said their stress rises compared with other times of the year. Having too much to do and feeling pressure to make the holidays special were both among the sources people named. (We wrote more about the pull to overfunction in our article on high-functioning anxiety.)
Part of what makes it hard to say no is that we tend to predict the worst. In experiments by Julian Givi and Colleen Kirk, people consistently overestimated how upset someone would be when they declined an invitation, and in a pilot study, 77 percent said they had accepted an invitation they didn’t want because they feared the consequences of declining. The people doing the inviting were more understanding than invitees expected. Invitees tended to underestimate how much the inviter would consider the thought that went into the decision, and not only the no itself. Separate studies found that people who refuse requests overestimate the negative consequences they will face for doing so.
When my friend asked me to attend the concert with him, I hated the thought of disappointing him or of him not going to something he was excited about. What actually happened? He went with someone else, had a lovely time, and texted me the day after the concert to tell me all about it. His response fits what researchers found. One especially useful finding is that people who first imagined being the one extending the invitation predicted a milder reaction to their own no. It can help to ask, “If a friend turned me down kindly, how would I feel?” These studies mostly looked at invitations from friends and partners, so they may not capture the weight of a family obligation with years of history behind it. It’s also worth saying that part of what made this no easier was the friendship itself. Ours is strong and sturdy, the kind that can hold a decline without much strain. With a newer friend, or a friendship that is still taking shape, I may have had more to weigh before answering, and that would have been reasonable. Context matters, and you get to take it into account.
Discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong. It may mean you’re trying something new, and it can take time to get used to new ways of being in relationship. If holiday gatherings stir up old family dynamics, that is something you can explore in therapy, too.
How Do You Start With One Small Boundary?
As you start to notice where you consistently feel drained, overwhelmed, rushed, or resentful, you’ll have more information about where a boundary may be needed. From there, you can think about small ways to protect your time and energy throughout the day, like setting a cutoff time for work emails or leaving some unstructured free time for yourself. Boundaries don’t always have to involve saying no to another person or obligation. Sometimes they’re about giving yourself permission to slow down or not be constantly available.
Remember, boundaries don’t have to be rigid or perfect. One that works for you in September may not work in November, and that’s okay. Our needs and capacity shift with our work, health, relationships, family, and energy. Revisiting a boundary means you’re paying attention to what’s true for you now. Even small boundaries can create more breathing room in a busy season and keep you connected to your own needs.
It’s also worth saying that boundaries aren’t equally available to everyone. If you are caring for others or working more than one job, there may be little you can set down, and family or cultural expectations can make a no cost far more than an awkward moment. Money matters too: finances were the most common source of holiday stress in that same APA poll, named by 58 percent of adults. A small boundary can still help in those circumstances, but it isn’t a substitute for more support or resources.
How Do You Make a New Boundary Stick?
Taking inventory can bring up a lot of things you’d like to change, but you don’t have to address everything at once. Choose one small, attainable adjustment that would help this season feel easier to handle. You might block off an evening to rest, ask someone to share a responsibility, or let a low-priority commitment wait. Notice how the change feels, and give yourself permission to adjust it. Boundaries are something we practice over time, as our lives and needs shift.
If you’re not sure where to begin, start with something that feels almost too small. Try saying “let me get back to you” instead of answering yes on the spot. Put a little buffer between obligations so you’re not sprinting from one to the next. Choose one screen-free hour in your day, or take a short walk with no destination and no podcast. Even ten quiet minutes on a Sunday to look at the week ahead and ask “What do I actually have room for?” can change how the whole week feels. These aren’t dramatic changes, but small things like these tend to be the ones we can actually keep.
There’s research behind starting small, too. In a study of people adopting simple daily behaviors, like having a glass of water after breakfast, it took about two months on average for the behavior to feel automatic, and the range was wide, from under three weeks to a projected eight months or more. Boundaries involve other people and may take longer, so if one doesn’t feel natural yet, that’s expected.
It also helps to have support, because most of us weren’t taught to do this alone. Tell a partner, friend or family member what you’re working on so they can cheer you on, or even offer a gentle reminder when you start to slide back into old habits. Practice what you’ll say out loud beforehand, especially for the conversations that feel hardest. And be kind to yourself on the days it doesn’t go to plan. The same research suggests that missing a single day made little difference to how the habit developed. What mattered more was the overall pattern, not any one slip. You may say yes when you meant to say no, or forget to pause altogether. That doesn’t mean it’s not working. You’re human, and you’re learning something new.
That Sunday, I didn’t give up the things I love. I gave myself the chance to check what I had left before saying yes. A pause and an honest inventory, followed by one small boundary at a time, can help you move through this season feeling more like yourself and less like you’re simply getting through the fall and winter.
If it feels hard to do on your own, you don’t have to. Sometimes it helps to have someone in your corner who can help you sort through what you’re carrying and understand why saying no feels so uncomfortable. If you’re navigating work stress or a season that feels like too much, we would be glad to support you in this work at Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles. We hope you reach out.